Twillingbottom's Field Guide

Good Man Twillingbottom

A Wintereenmas Carol

Good Man Twillingbottom gazed
Upon the snow surrounding
Despite its depth, he wasn’t fazed
“Let’s head up the Mountain”
Off we trudged to Evergreen
On Wintereenmas Eve
Nanny Ogg’s house came on scene
We were much relieved

“Hither, Gerry, stand by me
And let me squeeze those cheeks”
“Yonder monk, Nan, who was he?
What was that they seek?”
“Son, things have been very strange
Since they came to town
Maybe you could ‘vestigate
’Fore some shit goes down?”

Out we trudged into the snow
Deep and crisp and even
Where to look, we do not know
So let’s head to the Tavern
There the townsfolk meekly sat
Meekly sat together
Wondered we, what’s up with that?
Where is all the blether?

Berrian went to the bar
To get himself a drink
“barman make me a sidecar”
“No, You’ll have nog I think”
As we looked around the room
We saw all sip the same
And monks over all did loom
Are they all to blame?

We snuck into their meeting hall
With outfits all purloined
When the chorus sang the call
To them, our voices joined
‘Though we sang our brave hearts out
We missed the final verse
Monks around us gave a shout
We let out a curse

Now we knew where we must go
The Strongarm Brewery
Master monk must be laid low
To set the townsfolk free
We thought it was a simple task
With just two porter guards
Until he grabbed his magic flask
And smashed it into shards

Up sprung two great beasts of beer
Wat’ry arms a’lashing
Knocked poor Gyna on her rear
And gave sweet Püff a thrashing
Luthien’s bow shot straight and true
Her arrows found their mark
Vavara knew what to do
She fired her holy spark

Back and Forth the melee spun
The melee spun around us
With luck and skill we finally won
Our victory astounds us
Patched our wounds and helped the lame
Now that battle’s over
We’ll never look at beer the same
And all pledge to stay sober

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